Singapore, much hotter than yo'mama...

So my first impressions of Singapore happened at 6000m in the air when
the in flight entertainment system told me it was 3 degrees centigrade
and local time was 5.30am. This in itself foretold of the stickiness
to come.

My first faux pas in Singapore occurred about 15 minutes after landing
in the airport… I mean who commits a faux pas that early? Honestly! As
I'm wandering through the airport laughing at all the hilarious
almost-English signs a sweaty white man (me) stumbles in to what turns
out to be a prayer room because the idiot (me) thought the picture of
the man sitting down was taking a crap and that he (me) was about to
drop a brown one. So many religions were offended that day.

Driving through Singapore, even in a bus, for the first time was
rather disconcerting, there is only one Singapore road rule it's: Stay
in your lane, and die. No one indicates, least of all the buses who
just honk their horn and move over leaving 3-4 cars on the median
strip… Keep in mind that this all happens at 90-100km/hr. Needless to
say the ride form the airport was very exciting.

So I (the sweaty white man) check in at about 7.30am to my hotel,
shortly followed by about 50 others and we wait for out rooms to
become available while sitting in the, as it turns out, only part of
the hotel without air conditioning. About 30 minutes later malaria
fear sets in at the site of one tiny mosquito from about 3m away,
bug-off insect repellent ensues and al the other sweaty white people
think I'm spritzing, jealous looks follow.

Lots of fat Chinese/Malay/Indian men with pot bellys… realise that I'm
at a reasonably fancy hotel and fat = rich.

Eventually I get to my room, it turns out someone fucked up and now
they've upgraded me to a 'studio' room. On arrival it looks like it
was built with the intention to one day shoot a porn movie in… From
the insto-music buttons on the headboard to the mirrors on every angle
on every wall, I'm left with the impression that this is definitely
porn material. At least there is air/con.

That afternoon I go on a tour of 'The magical Sentosa island'. I have
the tour guide from hell who continually asks me which hotel I'm from
for some inane reason. We took the cable car to the island which gave
some good views. Saw Underwater World, which was pretty awesome and at
this point I got sick of the tour guide so I ditched the tour.

So I'm alone on this strange jungle come theme park island and I come
across Singapore's national symbol which is a giant Merlion, that is a
Mermaid crossed with a lion. I give it the award for most extravagant
TV aerial.

I read the signs and then find myself at the setting of the magical
fountain where a few thousand non-white people are sitting waiting for
something to happen, I decide to wait with them despite being totally
soaked in sweat. While waiting I see random monkeys jumping fences to
scavenge, I take photos like all the other dumb tourists. Anyway the
magical fountain turns out to be a highlight, it looks like they spend
a few million dollars on pyrotechnics/lasers and kerosene every show.

I get back to the city by rejoining my tour group and catching the bus
with them and find myself having dinner at 11pm. I think it was a lamb
curry served on a banana leaf… well I think it was a banana leaf.

The next day sees me visiting the 'world famous, Jurong Bird Park'. We
have a good guide and the All Star Bird Show was pretty impressive, I
just wish we were there a bit earlier for the Bird of Prey show. They
have a huge aviary, where you can walk inside and feed the birds with
roaches and worms that you can buy. You just throw them in the air and
the birds catch it or hold it in your hand and they eat it out of your
hand. At this point extreme fear of bird flu sets in but the tour
guide goes to pains to point out that these birds are vaccinated and
completely safe. I wash my hands thoroughly.

So they have every bird you can think of here, Flamingos, Penguins,
Pelicans, Hornbills, and Eagles etc. They 'claimed' to even have a
Kiwi, which I didn't really believe. They also claimed to have the
biggest man made water fall too.

The talking birds were not very talkative although I got one of them
to mimic a wolf-whistle. I had a random lunch… think it was chicken.

The much-vaunted Night Safari was really good, a 45 min tram ride
though the jungle was pretty awesome. So close you could touch the
animals, not that it would be a good idea to as they were not tame.

The Creatures of the Night show included otters that were trained to
recycle and a leopard that jumps like 5m in the air. Had an up close
and personal encounter with a FUCKEN BIG snake.

After the shows there were numerous walks to go on, travelling by
myself meant that I was wandering alone through the jungle looking for
leopards. Stretching up thinking that damn I was a little lost I
disturbed a FUCKEN BIG spider web and spider, running for life ensued.
Fortunately I ran for my life in the right direction and I got back to
the main area believing that the bug spray had saved my life (again).

The next morning I took the buses around the city and hopped on and
off in various locations, got lost in malls the size of yo'mama and
ate what is probably the best Thai green curry ever. People tried to
sell me things where ever I went cries of Kiaora Kiaora New Zealander
followed everywhere. Almost bought a suit from this famous suit shop
they have pictures and business cards all around the walls of the
famous people wearing the suits with the shop owners.

Hilariously I discovered the next big thing in exercise called an
iRide. I walk past their stall in the middle of this big mall and see
about 10 Chinese business people bouncing up and down on what looks
like some sort of sex machine, my laughter is unstoppable. It's
supposed to simulate riding a horse, watching the instructional video
was the best comedy since the Life of Brian.

So I was out of another guided tour this one was billed as the night
adventure, the guide was hilariously bad. The boat ride down the river
in an old Junker was good even if it felt like it was going to sink at
any moment. We had dinner in this riverside café and then went to the
famous Raffles hotel where the Singapore Slinger drink was invented.

Got a fake G-shock watch for $4 Singapore dollars… awesome.

Second Singapore faux pas: Was in the mood for a beer so I thought I'd
try the hotel bar… BIG MISTAKE. Around 10 minutes after I arrive I
realise that this isn't really a bar, but at this point I'm not quite
sure what it is so I stay.

Pulling out my money for my second beer I'm suddenly surrounded by
like 5 women they all want to chat and I decide that as a lot of
Singaporean's do they want to practice their English on me. I make a
few jokes and have a few more beers and make myself the centre of
attention, as I am prone to do. I'm thinking that this is cool and I'm
very popular with the ladies so I'm having a great time!

Suddenly the 'Madam' comes out, yells something in Chinese and
disperses the crowd and a fight break between the women breaks out.
Things quieten down and I decide to finish my beer and go when
suddenly the 'winner' of the fight starts touching me and I'm like…
'Yep… it's a brothel'.

At this point I'm feeling really out of place but realising that it's
a brothel I see the guys who have been constantly playing pool for the
last hour are rather large and imposing fellas so I play along out of
fear while this woman in halting English tells me exactly what she can
do for $150 Singapore.

Exact words: 'What you like big boy, blow job, hand job, make love to you?'

Stalling for time I decide to bargain with her knowing that
Singaporeans always quote a price way to high first up. It turns out
that like all other commodities in Singapore Sex is no different. In
the end I get the following deal:

Exact words: 'blow job, hand job, make love to you, and (hilariously)
up the boom boom' for $125.

At this point, because there is no way past the bouncers at the door,
I'm a little worried that I may have to go through with it out of
fear, but when she says 'What your room number' I say 'Ah my
girlfriend is in the room, I guess you don't like girls'. She replies
'No but I get Gerri for you big boy' as she wanders off I see an exit
and I hastily rush for it, thinking that 'I thought this was illegal
here!'

Whew, got out of that one, but I'll have to write the travel agent
about that hotel… people need to know that shit man!

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http://thebeereffect.blogspot.com/