In and out of the English gloom.

Its time I gave people a proper run down of the London experience from
the beginning so here it is.

After a long flight I get in about 7.30pm GMT. Seeing Sion and his
newly shaven (balding) head is a sight for sore eyes, he's come to
pick me up, what a dude! Jane, Andy, Sion and I proceed to Waterloo –
yes THAT Waterloo - station for a few alcoholic beverages and a catch
up, I tell all about Singapore and the others tell me all about what
they've been up to in the year since I saw them all back in good 'ole
NZ.

At this point I've been awake for about 23 hours with four beers in me
I'm feeling a little tired, i.e. having trouble functioning. Waterloo,
Waterloo couldn't walk if I wanted to… We stumble home to Sion's at
about 1am.

As I wake the next morning I find myself in a room with a Corr's CD in
it, Sion man, we have to talk. The weather is typically English, i.e.
gloomy. Sion shows me around nearby Wimbledon but there's nothing much
to see.

The next day I'm a little less jetlagged so Sion plays tour guide and
we go to the Science museum, which is awesome! Sion and I spend hours
and hours in there doing puzzles and picking locks and learning stuff.
Learning turns out to be kinda hard work and it tends to make one
hungry, cue Sion – "I've heard about this famous Pie and mash shop in
Greenwich".

The pie turns out to be… well… lets just say that the English were
never known for their cuisine.

The pie has proven good for one thing however, it has brought us to
Greenwich and Greenwich is home to the Maritime museum and GMT date
line. Highlights include a Harrier jump jet and Sion full of pride
says "Some insignificant countries don't have such modern technology…"
my reply is "Where's the empire Sion, where's the empire? I guess not
even a jet that can take off vertically allowed the English to retain
their precious empire."

The actual date line - yes there is a line on the ground - is pretty
cool, jumping left and right while chanting "I'm on the east side, I'm
on the west side" confuses the Japanese tourists but makes me feel
like I'm doing something significant. The observatory and
time/watch/clock exhibits are pretty cool too.

The next morning Sion ad I embark on another big day. First stop
Leicester Square where I snap a pic of Charlie Chapman, the statue.

Piccadilly Circus… what a shitty circus.

Trafalgar Square where Lord Nelson is currently under refurbishment
and the mermaids are interestingly nip-less. Must write to the queen
about that one. Wait a minute there she is! We see her majesty drive
past looking lovely in yellow if you care about that sort of thing. I
play it cool thinking that its quite common to see the queen until
Sion admits that "Today Ben, we're on a par, its my first time too".

This inspires us to go and see if the old bird is up for tea and
biscuits with a couple of hansom young men like ourselves. However
security with automatic weapons and bushy hats say "NO" without us
even asking.

Sion went back to Guildford for a day or two so it was time to wrestle
all by my lonesome with the very arteries of London itself, i.e. The
London Underground, or more simply the Tube.

I saw London Bridge, which didn't fall down, and the Tower Bridge,
which was indeed towering. The Tower of London was less so, but
interestingly there is a legend that if the Crows leave the Tower then
London will fall, this is taken so seriously that all the poor birds
wings are actually clipped… Meaning that to take London all I needed
was a BB gun.

The Tate Modern museum was very enjoyable, I enjoyed the Lichenstein
cartoons and the 'Constructing USSR' exhibits, I could've spent days
in there.

St Paul's cathedral was big, beautiful but catholic. I tried to drum
up support for a 'Catholicism Wow' campaign that had more appeal to
the masses ya know… But everyone there was French and refused to
understand my concept of a 'Buddy Jesus'.

The National Gallery was the highlight of the day; I spent hours there
and got kicked out at closing. But not before seeing Scarlet Johansen.

The next evening I met up with Stu at a town hilariously named
Shepherds Bush. We had a few drinks at the local Aussie/Kiwi bar
called 'Walkabout' we met up with some friendly and un-annoying
Aussies. We got pissed and went to a bar called Puzzle where we
proceeded to play a game of giant Jenga… it was awesome, there was
people snorting cocaine in the toilets too… which was… hardcore.

Speaking of cocaine I met up with Katy from school the next evening,
welcome to the London drug culture, thanks for the warning.

Needing a scare on a gloomy bank holiday Jane, Sion and I visited the
London Dungeons. I thought it was kinda lame and not worth the money
or the queue but Jane screamed like a little girl, which was
entertaining.

My last night at Sion's so I cooked dinner and got a bottle of wine to
say thanks for putting me up on the cheap. Tonight I'm sleeping at
Mike and Silvies place until I get to Birmingham to see off Andy then
Warsaw Poland on the 6th of June.

--
http://thebeereffect.blogspot.com/

England: its the same, but different...

Well England is one big place, I think I've finally worked out the Tube system after 2-3 days... NOT.

I've seen the major sites, including the actual Queen herself... the photo isn't great as some womans shapely bottom got in the way, but you can tell its the Queen's car because of the flag on the top of the car, check it out here: Sion and I are now on a par as its his first time that he's seen the Queen in the flesh too. She was wearing yellow in case anyone was interested.

Have seen lots of crime in London, one crime per day so far - its very exciting, much like Singapore death is waiting around every corner.

Am hoping to head up to Birmingham to see off Andy as he's coming back to NZ soon but we'll see.

At the stage of booking a flight to Warsaw to see if the Polish have death waiting around every corner also.

Anyway, the touristy sites are pretty self explanatory so you can just look at the photos here:

Cheerio...

Singapore, much hotter than yo'mama...

So my first impressions of Singapore happened at 6000m in the air when
the in flight entertainment system told me it was 3 degrees centigrade
and local time was 5.30am. This in itself foretold of the stickiness
to come.

My first faux pas in Singapore occurred about 15 minutes after landing
in the airport… I mean who commits a faux pas that early? Honestly! As
I'm wandering through the airport laughing at all the hilarious
almost-English signs a sweaty white man (me) stumbles in to what turns
out to be a prayer room because the idiot (me) thought the picture of
the man sitting down was taking a crap and that he (me) was about to
drop a brown one. So many religions were offended that day.

Driving through Singapore, even in a bus, for the first time was
rather disconcerting, there is only one Singapore road rule it's: Stay
in your lane, and die. No one indicates, least of all the buses who
just honk their horn and move over leaving 3-4 cars on the median
strip… Keep in mind that this all happens at 90-100km/hr. Needless to
say the ride form the airport was very exciting.

So I (the sweaty white man) check in at about 7.30am to my hotel,
shortly followed by about 50 others and we wait for out rooms to
become available while sitting in the, as it turns out, only part of
the hotel without air conditioning. About 30 minutes later malaria
fear sets in at the site of one tiny mosquito from about 3m away,
bug-off insect repellent ensues and al the other sweaty white people
think I'm spritzing, jealous looks follow.

Lots of fat Chinese/Malay/Indian men with pot bellys… realise that I'm
at a reasonably fancy hotel and fat = rich.

Eventually I get to my room, it turns out someone fucked up and now
they've upgraded me to a 'studio' room. On arrival it looks like it
was built with the intention to one day shoot a porn movie in… From
the insto-music buttons on the headboard to the mirrors on every angle
on every wall, I'm left with the impression that this is definitely
porn material. At least there is air/con.

That afternoon I go on a tour of 'The magical Sentosa island'. I have
the tour guide from hell who continually asks me which hotel I'm from
for some inane reason. We took the cable car to the island which gave
some good views. Saw Underwater World, which was pretty awesome and at
this point I got sick of the tour guide so I ditched the tour.

So I'm alone on this strange jungle come theme park island and I come
across Singapore's national symbol which is a giant Merlion, that is a
Mermaid crossed with a lion. I give it the award for most extravagant
TV aerial.

I read the signs and then find myself at the setting of the magical
fountain where a few thousand non-white people are sitting waiting for
something to happen, I decide to wait with them despite being totally
soaked in sweat. While waiting I see random monkeys jumping fences to
scavenge, I take photos like all the other dumb tourists. Anyway the
magical fountain turns out to be a highlight, it looks like they spend
a few million dollars on pyrotechnics/lasers and kerosene every show.

I get back to the city by rejoining my tour group and catching the bus
with them and find myself having dinner at 11pm. I think it was a lamb
curry served on a banana leaf… well I think it was a banana leaf.

The next day sees me visiting the 'world famous, Jurong Bird Park'. We
have a good guide and the All Star Bird Show was pretty impressive, I
just wish we were there a bit earlier for the Bird of Prey show. They
have a huge aviary, where you can walk inside and feed the birds with
roaches and worms that you can buy. You just throw them in the air and
the birds catch it or hold it in your hand and they eat it out of your
hand. At this point extreme fear of bird flu sets in but the tour
guide goes to pains to point out that these birds are vaccinated and
completely safe. I wash my hands thoroughly.

So they have every bird you can think of here, Flamingos, Penguins,
Pelicans, Hornbills, and Eagles etc. They 'claimed' to even have a
Kiwi, which I didn't really believe. They also claimed to have the
biggest man made water fall too.

The talking birds were not very talkative although I got one of them
to mimic a wolf-whistle. I had a random lunch… think it was chicken.

The much-vaunted Night Safari was really good, a 45 min tram ride
though the jungle was pretty awesome. So close you could touch the
animals, not that it would be a good idea to as they were not tame.

The Creatures of the Night show included otters that were trained to
recycle and a leopard that jumps like 5m in the air. Had an up close
and personal encounter with a FUCKEN BIG snake.

After the shows there were numerous walks to go on, travelling by
myself meant that I was wandering alone through the jungle looking for
leopards. Stretching up thinking that damn I was a little lost I
disturbed a FUCKEN BIG spider web and spider, running for life ensued.
Fortunately I ran for my life in the right direction and I got back to
the main area believing that the bug spray had saved my life (again).

The next morning I took the buses around the city and hopped on and
off in various locations, got lost in malls the size of yo'mama and
ate what is probably the best Thai green curry ever. People tried to
sell me things where ever I went cries of Kiaora Kiaora New Zealander
followed everywhere. Almost bought a suit from this famous suit shop
they have pictures and business cards all around the walls of the
famous people wearing the suits with the shop owners.

Hilariously I discovered the next big thing in exercise called an
iRide. I walk past their stall in the middle of this big mall and see
about 10 Chinese business people bouncing up and down on what looks
like some sort of sex machine, my laughter is unstoppable. It's
supposed to simulate riding a horse, watching the instructional video
was the best comedy since the Life of Brian.

So I was out of another guided tour this one was billed as the night
adventure, the guide was hilariously bad. The boat ride down the river
in an old Junker was good even if it felt like it was going to sink at
any moment. We had dinner in this riverside café and then went to the
famous Raffles hotel where the Singapore Slinger drink was invented.

Got a fake G-shock watch for $4 Singapore dollars… awesome.

Second Singapore faux pas: Was in the mood for a beer so I thought I'd
try the hotel bar… BIG MISTAKE. Around 10 minutes after I arrive I
realise that this isn't really a bar, but at this point I'm not quite
sure what it is so I stay.

Pulling out my money for my second beer I'm suddenly surrounded by
like 5 women they all want to chat and I decide that as a lot of
Singaporean's do they want to practice their English on me. I make a
few jokes and have a few more beers and make myself the centre of
attention, as I am prone to do. I'm thinking that this is cool and I'm
very popular with the ladies so I'm having a great time!

Suddenly the 'Madam' comes out, yells something in Chinese and
disperses the crowd and a fight break between the women breaks out.
Things quieten down and I decide to finish my beer and go when
suddenly the 'winner' of the fight starts touching me and I'm like…
'Yep… it's a brothel'.

At this point I'm feeling really out of place but realising that it's
a brothel I see the guys who have been constantly playing pool for the
last hour are rather large and imposing fellas so I play along out of
fear while this woman in halting English tells me exactly what she can
do for $150 Singapore.

Exact words: 'What you like big boy, blow job, hand job, make love to you?'

Stalling for time I decide to bargain with her knowing that
Singaporeans always quote a price way to high first up. It turns out
that like all other commodities in Singapore Sex is no different. In
the end I get the following deal:

Exact words: 'blow job, hand job, make love to you, and (hilariously)
up the boom boom' for $125.

At this point, because there is no way past the bouncers at the door,
I'm a little worried that I may have to go through with it out of
fear, but when she says 'What your room number' I say 'Ah my
girlfriend is in the room, I guess you don't like girls'. She replies
'No but I get Gerri for you big boy' as she wanders off I see an exit
and I hastily rush for it, thinking that 'I thought this was illegal
here!'

Whew, got out of that one, but I'll have to write the travel agent
about that hotel… people need to know that shit man!

--
http://thebeereffect.blogspot.com/

Singapore... like a warm wet blankey...

So much to say and so little time... so just check out some photos and vids that I have uploaded for now. I'll provide explanations later.

Photos here:

The good times just don't stop rolling...

Went out for dinner at Chow with the folks on Friday night, food wasn’t too bad…

On Saturday it was my pleasure to be invited to what I will refer to as “Ben’s big day out”. After meeting some mates at Wellington train station we then set off to Porirua or what I will here-in refer to as “P-town”.

The weather in P-town was fantastic and this was very much a good thing as we were here for the very serious and competitive business that is Pirates Cove mini-golf. The game itself was less important than the fact that mini-golf was one of the things that I had to do before I left in case there doesn’t happen to be a course where I’m going, they’ve heard of mini-golf in Europe right? ;-)

Everyone made a credible job of throwing the game so that I could have the fairytale finish that I always wanted, this was much appreciated!

Following golf we found ourselves at Ban Mai Thai café for dinner. Spelling mistakes in the menu aside, Jared tells me the Roated Duck is pretty good.



We migrated to The Matterhorn for cocktails, the band playing was very funky, I would’ve danced or what will herein be referred to as “bipedal locomotion”, but there wasn’t much room with all the tables on the dance floor or what will herein be referred to as the “D-floor”.



Moving on to the Cavern club the D-floor was utilised for a bit of bipedal locomotion but we mostly just sat and drank in the comfy couches.



A quick visit to the Establishment signalled that it was home time. I arrived home via bus about 5.30am and promptly fell asleep dreaming of attractive women bipedaly locomoting on my D-floor.

Check out the rest of the photos here

.

Box Smashing...

Mission: Survive last day of work doing as little actual work as possible.

Disappointingly there were several casualties from the evening before and not everyone made it to work, still with talk revolving around smashing box – thanks Ruby, there wasn’t going to be much work done anyway. I'll eventually post the box-smashing video too.

Mission status: Success.

End of days...

It was much like the apocalypse I had always dreamed about. Let it be said that there’s nothing like going out in a blaze of glory, and the fires were burning hot for my last night out on the booze with my long suffering work-mates.

The crew convened at Wellington’s snobbiest drinking establishment soon after the conclusion of work at 12am. On arrival at Motel; not just drinks were bought, but whole bottles of drinks were bought, we were settling in for the long haul.

Over the course of three hours, unknown quantities of quality alcohol slipped easily down our thirsting gastroesophageal junctions to the point where bipedal locomotion, otherwise known as dancing took place.
Bridget [above] doing the robot.

While showing us her sexy dance moves poor Rachel slipped and hit the ground like a rock right in the middle of the dance floor splitting her chin a bit and actually fracturing bones, though she didn’t realise until the next day. At this point the night had reached that messy and scandalous stage so a taxi was promptly caught.

Bridget and I were drunkenly snap-happy with the camera so after a bit of cropping I managed to get some good photos to share, why so many photos of Cory Bridget? ;-)

See the rest here.

TENACIOUS Daniel

"Tribute"

Needless to say, the beast was stunned.
Whip-crack went his Whoopy tail,And the beast was done.
He asked us: "(snort) Be you angels?"
And we said, "Nay. We are but men."

Rock!

Ahhh, ahhh, ahhh-ah-ah,Ohhh, whoah, ah-whoah-oh!

Happy birthday Bro.

It’s not how much we’re drinking; it’s how we’re drinking it…

My younger brothers 21st birthday was brought in, much like many “coming of age” parties, with alcohol and lots of it.

While my memory of the whole event is rather blurred; I do remember that there was drinking, singing, drinking, eating and then some more drinking and finally sleep. My recollection of the specifics… are… well… quite literally non-specific.

This is a common problem, and it actually relates to one of the founding intentions of this website. Namely, what do my binge drinking friends and I really get up to?

Fortunately for drinkers everywhere, around the 4th and 5th Centuries B.C. Chinese and Greek philosophers described the basic principles of optics and the camera, while it took a few thousand more years to perfect and implement the process at least drinkers had some hope that someday their drunken antics would be recorded for all time and therefore take their rightful place in history.

Fast forward to 2006: Now every drunken shopping trolley ride, every pass out naked on a toilet seat, and every single cock and balls permanent marker on the forehead would be recorded for all time and placed on the web for all to see.

Thebeereffect however would never quite stoop to that level but it does help to answer my earlier question concerning what my friends and I actually do; the answer, simply put, is that we have a hell of a lot of fun.

Calling all heroes...of Guitar

Calling all heroes...of Guitar

Receiving a text message from Jared on Friday that included the words ‘Guitar Hero’ and ‘beers’ immediately promised a good night. In actuality, my expectations were exceeded in every aspect.

Example: Going to get said beers, Guy and I come back with ‘crate of beers’. The promise of ‘beers’ was exceeded with the acquisition of ‘crate of beers’ thereby exceeding the original expectation. This beereffect can be explained with the following logical formulae:

If (promise) = (beer) what is effect on (expectation) = if (beer X crate)

Daniel and Paul were up from Dunedin due to Daniels 21st birthday party the next day so there were catch-ups to have and high-fives to give.

Some dancing followed.