Greytown was quite a blast really. Some friends and I stayed in a homestay during new years.
Events included the consumption of meat (no we're not gay), the consumption of copious amounts of beer (we are alcoholics though) and frequent visits to a hot tub
(hmm we can’t defend ourselves on that one).
So as you might have guessed, the gathering tended towards the sausage rather than the bread-roll if you know what I mean… around 11.30pm we went in search of said bread-rolls…
A two minute walk to the local revealed that we were the life and soul of that pub and that the women were either skanky, fat, or old…. or a combination of all three – not that there is anything wrong with skanky, but only in the right circumstances of course. Yes I’m being harsh but some scary shit went down in the reputable White Swan (again no we’re not gay). An old woman felt me up, a smiley man in a fantastic Hawaiian shirt felt Stu up and no one felt Guy up – will somebody please feel that man up for the love of god!
There was one cute girl, she was one of the bar staff, and three blind (I think she was cute) drunk men can not impress one attractive, sober, woman that has been on her feet working for sixteen hours, listening to countless lame attempts to impress her.
So herein lays our lame attempt to impress said cute bar chick:
Purpose: To get Guy laid
Strategy: Mention we have a hot tub waiting, thereby convincing her to come back to our pad where Guy can make sweet little bunnies with her.
How it went down:
No one, despite being so drunk we are talking shit non-stop, has the nerve to ask her except me. At which point the White Swan decides to close and the oldest bouncer (who should have been in bed hours ago) kicks us out. I decide to follow thorough with the plan regardless. We walk right past Jerry-actirc who can’t catch us cause we’re men on a mission. I walk right up to the bar and she’s not there. Guy decides to rescue the situation by stealing a lemon from the bar.. Awesome! I’m suddenly on look-out duty, and then with the lemon successfully within the confines of Guys pocket, there she is!
Me: “Hi, I don’t think I’ve wished you a Happy New year yet… so um well Happy New year…”
Bar chick: (smiles, then she looks at me like I have more to say)
Me: So um, my name is Ben by the way we all thought you were the best bartender *I’m such a lamo*
Barchick: Thanks, I’m *can’t remember her name, fuck I’m a lamo, then we shake hands, at least I got to touch her*
Me: …and we were wondering what you were doing after you finish up cause we’re going to a party and there’s a hot tub and… well… you should come…
(Pause)
Barchick: er… (Pause) ok whats your number I’ll text you when I get off
Me: do you have a pen? I’ll write it down *and I’m thinking, how did that work? and can I even hold a pen?*
Then we look around for a Pen of course there isn’t a pen in sight and Jerry has my arm at this point.
Barchick: Wait outside I’ll get a pen…
Halleluiah! Am I on hot-man drugs?
So we wait and I tell the others and then those disbelieving (paul-like) creatures think lets just go… when out she comes with a pen… I’m the man…
So off we go… she turns out to be free with her texts but decides that she is too tired and we’ll meet up tomorrow… when we’ve gone home… crap.
So its just three men in the tub and Guys package decides to look at the stars, cries of “He’s taking his pants off” and “He’s just standing there” wake Daniel up and provide us with copious laughs the next morning… and life is good again…
Peace.
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